Fuck, a Buddha’s inside me.

136.4

Made it. But the triumph is quickly replaced with a rap on the back of the head from Ana, “Don’t get too cozy little rabbit, you need to work harder. The goal for next Wednesday is 133.”

I watch her begrudgingly until she smirks and skips from the room. But I stare at that number on the scale long after she leaves. For over five years I’ve struggled with bingeing and starving, addiction and failure. A vicious cycle that seemed iron clad.

And now my resolution seems so…solid. The weight is just falling off, granted I’m working my ASS OFF, but it just seems much more effortless now. I haven’t been this small in 5 years!!!

Something changed in me after I overdosed on New Years. I was still drowning in depression and my eating disorder and my anger, but…I guess I started to DO shit.

I said I was going to make art. I did. And I was featured in a gallery this summer, winning People’s Choice and 3rd Place in the judging.

I said I wanted to have a summer romance, my first kiss, and lose my virginity, and although that human is causing serious complications, I still did it.

I said I wanted to buy my own motorcycle and learn to ride it. I did.

I said I wanted to get a bartending job with no experience. I did.

I said I wanted to move out, and fuck yeah I did.

I’m tempted to feel proud, and as I leaf through a handful of cathartic breakup songs my roommate’s cat climbs into my lap and promptly falls asleep. I still miss KB, but the pain is less than last night and I almost never want to see him again so I can keep dulling the ache into oblivion.

I go to the gym and run a hard 3 miles, feeling pumped for my weight loss and excited about the rock climbing lessons tonight. I’m doing stuff for me now, and I’m feeling the bitterness fade as my disgusting, limiting, fat does.

Like I’m compelled after my sweaty run to pick up the ingredients to make my grandfather his favorite pie…I haven’t visited him in a long time. And I form a list for the day:

1. Make pie

2. Clean room

3. Hang up absinthe poster

4. Pick up Wellbutrin refill

5. Take out camera

6. Rock climbing class tonight

I know in my gut I’ll see KB today, but I am determined to act stronger and more dignified, unapologizing and stern. I need to give him one more chance, and that means laying out everything about our relationship that I’m no longer willing to put up with.

I dye the tips of my bangs hot pink. This girl, FTW.