138.0
You’d think I’d be screaming but I’m not. I’m sure it will go back down by the end of my slew of double shifts, because I’m running around like crazy and not eating anything but an egg white Subway sandwich in the morning, and coffee. It was mostly because my gay friend and I caught up at fucking Red Robin and gorged ourselves. Total loss of control. IAMAFUCKINGIDIOT.
I have to lose five pounds before Wednesday to keep on track…ouch.
No, I’m not screaming, I’m sitting in the doctor’s office because I think I have a UTI. It hurts to piss so fucking bad, and the doc is sort of looking at me suspiciously. I told him my boyfriend gave me an STI at the beginning of the summer, so he hands over the pills for the urinary but is sending it out to cross check for FUCKING CHLAMYDIA too.
Which I can only say I will throw myself on the ground in a fit of childish sobs because KB and I had the full round of treatment, which means in order to give it to me he would have had to fuck another girl again, this time when we’re “committed” and all I can fixate on is how he just spent time in Denver…
Goddammit.
On that front we were actually doing better. I started to let all of his deprecating behavior go, actually I started to enjoy it, because I began to fantasize in the BDSM realm again, like I’m his little slut and I love when he punishes me and neglects me.
After two shots of absinthe last night I give him a full massage, asking him to tell me what to do, instruct me. He’s too polite at first, but starts to get it, gently telling rather than asking. I refuse to let myself stop until he orders it of me. I ask if I’ve been a good girl.
“What babe?”
“Have I been a good girl? You don’t need to thank me, just tell me I’ve been I good girl. I like that more,” and this is definitely the absinthe talking.
“Yeah baby, you’ve been a good girl.”
And my body feels a warm rush.
Granted, I told him about my kinks when we first were having sex and he would have none of it. He said they’re wrong and mentally ill and not wholesome (what is exactly his definition of wholesome?). But…since then he’s warmed up to the idea of spanking me and biting me hard and flipping me around the bed, which is great, but it only makes me want more, harder, sharper.
I still have teeth mark bruises all over my thighs and my left butt cheek is freckled with broken blood vessels. I love them. They are proof I’ve been marked. Taken.
I walk around the local sex shop for hours yesterday, challenging my Catholic learned insecurity, I’m just so fucking horny. I used to be so ashamed of even thinking about sex, but now I just see it as a full extension of myself. I imagine having casual intercourse with a bunch of random people, men and women.
But my plan is to slowly find out if KB can dominate me, if I can convince him to like bondage and restraint and pain play and all of the things I love.
I buy a pair of leather chain cuffs, although I know he won’t be up for that for a long time. Still I like to collect them. I already have a couple of toys, but I grow more and more curious about all of the gadgets and such as I browse the store. Just shopping gives me an animalistic rush, I mean they have an anal plug that looks like a fox tail. How cute is that?
He loves underwear, so I decide to pick out a few naughty pairs and a tight corset. I want to play a little hard to get, so I’ll withhold sex for a few days and then when we’re watching a movie or sitting on the couch I’ll kneel in front of him, look up with my big blue eyes, and innocently ask if I can service him.
I’ll ask him to please bend me over the couch and take me hard. And I plan on slowly inserting my submissiveness from there, I’ll keep you updated…
[THAT IS OF COURSE UNLESS HE CHEATED ON ME.]
I have a profile on Fetlife, which is essentially facebook for kinksters, and there are plenty of local Dominants who are dead gorgeous. I’m so tempted…just to feel the high, just to know what it’s like to be with another man. Maybe it would be so much better. And my vixen like resentment grows, saying of course you should give yourself to another more masculine male, he most likely cheated on you kid. Why are you in denial? He’s done it before!
But my test isn’t back yet, so I don’t have the proof…I’ll wait.
So for the rest of the day I think I’ll shower enough to NOT look ill, and maybe go back to the sex shop to have more me time. I can’t call into work because I’m the only fucking bartender and the place is dependent on me…I should really get a raise.
StArViNg MaDnEsS 